Q & A Smörgåsbord

Again, reader Michael has some questions for me. He is quite prolific, no?

How does one acquire a "ho hoard" and is it ever appropriate to bring said hoard home to meet your mom?

Well, Michael, not everyone can acquire a "ho hoard." In American culture, for instance, you would be breaking mores by having so many girlfriends. I, on the other hand, hail from Shimmeron, so I am encouraged to have up to 47 girlfriends. However, I restrain myself by having only four; I want to fit in, you know?

And again, it would be against American custom to have a ho hoard, so no, I would not bring one home to meet Mother. It's a bad idea. Now, if you do happen to acquire a ho hoard accidentally, you can bring them to the 24-hour Donut Shop. Just not to Mom.

Next:

Did George Washington really invent cocaine? I have it on good advice that he did (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbRom1Rz8OA), but you never can be sure. 

Well, Michael, as comical as that video was, I wouldn't believe it. Simply put, you can never trust information gleaned from YouTube.

Or -- Is it bad karma to kill a mushroom -- I've heard fairies live in them? 

Well, Michael, this time you have heard right. Fairies do in fact live in mushrooms. However, those of the human race love to eat mushrooms. So what do you do when you spot a delicious truffle in the forest?

To avoid bad karma, you have to get the fairy out of the mushroom. As long as the fairy is out before you kill, you are golden. I recommend fumigation. 

Or -- Do aliens (Shimmeronians particularly, but any alien really) ever date Earthlings? And if so, what turns them on?

I would never date an Earthling. Earthlings are just so darn complicated. See, if you date an Earthling, you will be forced to listen to inane conversation about Obama, gun control, the G-Spot, Earthquakes, etc. BORING!

That being said, aliens are capable of dating Earthlings, and some do. It is rumored E.T. dated many high-profile celebrities between 1985 and 1989. 

Shimmeronians, while we don't "date" Earthlings, do engage in casual sex. Shimmeronian turn-ons include: kosher hot dogs, laser printers, spicy mustard, jeweler's loupes, lamé, loafers, and ankle massages.

This last question is in response to my last blog, about making the World a better place. Michael asks, "So I notice a lot of Earthlings wear flip-flops. Is it OK to wear those instead?" 

Well, a lot of Earthlings wear Crocs, and that's not really OK. So you present some faulty logic here, dear reader.

But flip-flops, yes, they are OK, as long as one has a proper pedicure. Please don't waltz around with gnarly yellow toenails or athlete's foot. Thank you.

-Tom!