Advice: How do I make the World a better place? Shiny, happy, etc?

Shimmer-O (space-talk for "hello")!

I am proud to provide advice to Earthlings via the Internet. Shortly after graduating the equivalent of High School, I came to Earth looking for fun and excitement.

Our technology allowed us to capture light waves from the Earth, which we converted into our advanced LED picture tubes. Using this technology, I was able to understand a little bit about Earth culture. I watched some television shows, including Beverly Hills, 90210 and All My Children. I was excited to come to Earth.

Today's query comes from Michael, who says he would like to "do something to benefit mankind. Can you offer advice on how I can make the world a better, happier, more shimmery place?"

Well, Michael, stars and applause for you. It seems you deduced from my Blogger profile why I came to Earth. In addition to fun and excitement, I sought to benefit mankind as well. If Man can give the Universe such wonderful things as The Price is Right and Absolutely Fabulous, then the planet of Man is worth improving.

When I left Shimmeron I gave up the following things: space hot dogs, auto-magic gaming, and of course, silverotica (that is, erotic literature of Shimmeron). But it was worth it.

Michael, you have been on Earth your whole life (or so I assume). You probably have some ideas about making the world better. You seem like a smart guy, so I'll save the trite answers such as "Love Thy Neighbor," "Waste Not, Want Not," and "Recycle, Reduce, Reuse" to Dear Abby. You know these things.

Instead, here is a practical list of five things you, and everyone, can do to make the world better, happier, and more shimmery:

1. Do Not Wear Crocs. Earthlings seems to love these shoes. However, they are an affront to the happiness of many people; so please, do not wear them.

2. Purchase clothing of lamé and wear daily. This can be difficult for fellow Earthlings to understand, as many associate shine with women. Womanly or not, shine is fantastic and here to stay. 

3. Do not denounce those who believe in Extraterrestrials (E.T.s) as "crazies" or "lunatics". After all, I came to Earth in a spaceship. Ultimately, respect what others believe.

4. Find a solid group of friends and stick with them. Remember, it's quality, not quantity. I have four girlfriends and this is plenty.

5. Be compassionate. If a loved one is sick, hungry or lonely, bring them medicine, food, or Turner and Hooch. Oftentimes we set our sights too far away from our home (I know I am guilty of this!) and neglect those around us. Rather than trying to feed the starving children in Ursa Major, focus on those in your community. 

Michael, I hope I answered this sufficiently for you. Please keep reading.

I have some questions I will post and answer tomorrow. You don't want to strain me, after all. I may come from Shimmeron, but I am still susceptible to carpal tunnel syndrome!

-Tom!