Just a few more queries...

Hi all!

To my loyal four readers: thank you. It means so much to me! I have never had troubles making friends on Earth, but it seems getting blog readers ain't so easy.

On with the questions!

Katie asks, "I was thinking of taking a vacation to Shimmeron. Could you advise me on the best way to get there and what to do while I'm there? I'll have about seven days."

This is neither here nor there, but Katie wonders about my number one fan, Michael, and why he asks so many questions... She's concerned about his intentions. I certainly don't, as he keeps me busy!

Anyway, on to Shimmeron: First thing I recommend catching a game of Shimmeron Spaceball. Did you know I invented the game? True story. It's much like baseball on Earth, only you use a lightning rod for a bat, and a Shimmeroid for a ball! Seven days is a long time. You seem outdoorsy, so I recommend you hit up the Shimmeron Observatory. You Earthlings think your observatories are so great, because they might have a telescope that can see bits and pieces of other galaxies. Just wait 'til you see our technology! Here is a recommended itinerary:

Day 1: Make sure you start by eating some delicious space dogs, and catch a game of Spaceball (these games last about 7 hours)

Day 2: Go to the observatory, making sure you smell good. You may get lucky under the stars...

Day 3: Catch a 4-D movie. It's like your puny Earth 3-D, but as you guessed, better.

Day 4: Explore the Ruins of Shimmeribia. It's an ancient civilization that somewhat resembles America in the 1950s.

Day 5: Take a spa day, and get some nookie. I recommend you find a spa with a Buffatron bed.

Day 6: Drive the Shimmeron Coastal Highway in a star-powered autoship.

Day 7: Catch another game of Spaceball. What can I say, it's the greatest game ever invented!

You also asked about transportation. Well, Katie, there's really only one way to get to Shimmeron: and that's with a star-powered autoship. Unfortunately, there is only one currently running on Earth... and it's mine. So you will have to find a way to catch a ride with me. Before we go, make sure your Shimmeron Travel kit: star-filled map, Galactic passport, dazzling jewelry, and Dramamine. 

First-time writer Dustin writes in with a very cerebral series of questions: Who are you voting for this November, assuming you have gotten US citizenship? And what do you think of the candidates?

Well, first thing: it was unsafe for Dustin to assume I have US citizenship. The US government doesn't even want to let Mexicans and Canadians in because they might be terrorists. So how do you think they feel about poor Tom Comet here? Not good... I am staying here on a work visa (as you may know, I am a fluffer for Fetus in Fetu Productions).

So, if I were to vote, my vote would go to me! That's correct, I would write myself in. America needs change, and Tom Comet is the man to do it!

As for the US presidential race, I feel a bit of kinship to John McCain: we both have limited mobility of our arms. But that's all we have in common. As for Barack Obama, I think he needs a flashier wardrobe, but I agree with a lot of what he says. 

That's all for now... keep those questions coming!

Q & A Smörgåsbord

Again, reader Michael has some questions for me. He is quite prolific, no?

How does one acquire a "ho hoard" and is it ever appropriate to bring said hoard home to meet your mom?

Well, Michael, not everyone can acquire a "ho hoard." In American culture, for instance, you would be breaking mores by having so many girlfriends. I, on the other hand, hail from Shimmeron, so I am encouraged to have up to 47 girlfriends. However, I restrain myself by having only four; I want to fit in, you know?

And again, it would be against American custom to have a ho hoard, so no, I would not bring one home to meet Mother. It's a bad idea. Now, if you do happen to acquire a ho hoard accidentally, you can bring them to the 24-hour Donut Shop. Just not to Mom.

Next:

Did George Washington really invent cocaine? I have it on good advice that he did (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbRom1Rz8OA), but you never can be sure. 

Well, Michael, as comical as that video was, I wouldn't believe it. Simply put, you can never trust information gleaned from YouTube.

Or -- Is it bad karma to kill a mushroom -- I've heard fairies live in them? 

Well, Michael, this time you have heard right. Fairies do in fact live in mushrooms. However, those of the human race love to eat mushrooms. So what do you do when you spot a delicious truffle in the forest?

To avoid bad karma, you have to get the fairy out of the mushroom. As long as the fairy is out before you kill, you are golden. I recommend fumigation. 

Or -- Do aliens (Shimmeronians particularly, but any alien really) ever date Earthlings? And if so, what turns them on?

I would never date an Earthling. Earthlings are just so darn complicated. See, if you date an Earthling, you will be forced to listen to inane conversation about Obama, gun control, the G-Spot, Earthquakes, etc. BORING!

That being said, aliens are capable of dating Earthlings, and some do. It is rumored E.T. dated many high-profile celebrities between 1985 and 1989. 

Shimmeronians, while we don't "date" Earthlings, do engage in casual sex. Shimmeronian turn-ons include: kosher hot dogs, laser printers, spicy mustard, jeweler's loupes, lamé, loafers, and ankle massages.

This last question is in response to my last blog, about making the World a better place. Michael asks, "So I notice a lot of Earthlings wear flip-flops. Is it OK to wear those instead?" 

Well, a lot of Earthlings wear Crocs, and that's not really OK. So you present some faulty logic here, dear reader.

But flip-flops, yes, they are OK, as long as one has a proper pedicure. Please don't waltz around with gnarly yellow toenails or athlete's foot. Thank you.

-Tom!

Advice: How do I make the World a better place? Shiny, happy, etc?

Shimmer-O (space-talk for "hello")!

I am proud to provide advice to Earthlings via the Internet. Shortly after graduating the equivalent of High School, I came to Earth looking for fun and excitement.

Our technology allowed us to capture light waves from the Earth, which we converted into our advanced LED picture tubes. Using this technology, I was able to understand a little bit about Earth culture. I watched some television shows, including Beverly Hills, 90210 and All My Children. I was excited to come to Earth.

Today's query comes from Michael, who says he would like to "do something to benefit mankind. Can you offer advice on how I can make the world a better, happier, more shimmery place?"

Well, Michael, stars and applause for you. It seems you deduced from my Blogger profile why I came to Earth. In addition to fun and excitement, I sought to benefit mankind as well. If Man can give the Universe such wonderful things as The Price is Right and Absolutely Fabulous, then the planet of Man is worth improving.

When I left Shimmeron I gave up the following things: space hot dogs, auto-magic gaming, and of course, silverotica (that is, erotic literature of Shimmeron). But it was worth it.

Michael, you have been on Earth your whole life (or so I assume). You probably have some ideas about making the world better. You seem like a smart guy, so I'll save the trite answers such as "Love Thy Neighbor," "Waste Not, Want Not," and "Recycle, Reduce, Reuse" to Dear Abby. You know these things.

Instead, here is a practical list of five things you, and everyone, can do to make the world better, happier, and more shimmery:

1. Do Not Wear Crocs. Earthlings seems to love these shoes. However, they are an affront to the happiness of many people; so please, do not wear them.

2. Purchase clothing of lamé and wear daily. This can be difficult for fellow Earthlings to understand, as many associate shine with women. Womanly or not, shine is fantastic and here to stay. 

3. Do not denounce those who believe in Extraterrestrials (E.T.s) as "crazies" or "lunatics". After all, I came to Earth in a spaceship. Ultimately, respect what others believe.

4. Find a solid group of friends and stick with them. Remember, it's quality, not quantity. I have four girlfriends and this is plenty.

5. Be compassionate. If a loved one is sick, hungry or lonely, bring them medicine, food, or Turner and Hooch. Oftentimes we set our sights too far away from our home (I know I am guilty of this!) and neglect those around us. Rather than trying to feed the starving children in Ursa Major, focus on those in your community. 

Michael, I hope I answered this sufficiently for you. Please keep reading.

I have some questions I will post and answer tomorrow. You don't want to strain me, after all. I may come from Shimmeron, but I am still susceptible to carpal tunnel syndrome!

-Tom!

Welcome!

Hello Everyone!

My good friend Michael suggested I enter the realm of online advice. 

You see, I am a very versatile performer. In addition to being a fix-it man, I can sing, dance, and act. I have a few other talents :)

So please, let the questioning begin! You can post a question via Comments, or e-mail it to me for privacy. I will post all questions and my answers on this blog!

-Tom!