My Holiday Wish List

It was brought to my attention last week by one of my friends (Katie or Mike) that I had not posted my Christmas wish list. I didn't find this odd, because I don't celebrate Christmas. Let me be upfront here; I apologize if this comes across as coarse.

We don't believe in Christ on Shimmeron. Therefore, I never celebrated Christmas.

 

Then, someone explained to me that you don't have be a Christian to celebrate Christmas; it is really just a great excuse to buy presents for friends and ask for stuff you may or may not need.

 

Thus, I decided I was in! Kristina recommended I look into celebrating Festivus... but then Kristin informed me it was celebrated on Dec. 23, which is 2 days before Christmas. But I needed to give my friends some time to buy me gifts! So, this year, Tom Comet is celebrating Christmas.

 

Thus, a couple of things my lacy, spacy heart desires:

 

A lifetime supply of hydrogen. Hydrogen is a very popular source of energy for Shimmeronian vehicles. It is hard to obtain at the fueling stations in Oregon. I actually don't know where to find it online either. But trust me, my vehicle needs it. I haven't driven anywhere in a few years, as I ran out in 2005.

 

Microfiber dusters are a must for personal hygiene. 

 

Aqua Net is a necessity for voluminous hair. 

 

"Earth Girls are Easy" DVD. Story of my life. 

 

Earth boys tell me going commando is not always appropriate. Thus, I would enjoy these metallic boxers. 

 

While you're at it, these undies for Spectra.

 

This shirt would be perfect for going out. '80s night, maybe? Size small, please. 

 

Mesh and lamé: need I say more?

 

The pros love Kryolan makeup. I am a pro, obvs! There ain't no such thing as "too much glitter." 

 

I am a fix-it man; although I don't generally go for Black-n-Decker, this cordless screwdriver is amazing! 

I love ABBA and I love this movie. Who need's Mamma Mia! when you have Muriel's Wedding? 

 

The entire Ace of Base catalog. I left my copies on a space taxi. 

 

Please, please, please, please, please! 

 

Not only does it star Cher and feature Estelle Getty, but Mask deals with the universal theme of alienation. And it's incredibly heartwarming. 

 

This sterling silver ring will serve as a constant reminder that I have 4 loving girlfriends. It is also mesh! 

 

It is a little-known fact that I can swim faster than Michael Phelps. Unfortunately, because I am from Shimmeron, I can not participate in the Olympics--something about how one must be an Earth citizen. Nevertheless, I continue to swim daily, and would love this mesh bag to store my wet Speedo in. In Neon Lime, please. 

 

This chlorinated water you humans use in your swimming receptacles are wreaking havoc on my scalp! I would love a swimming cap. In blue, please (it matches my hair). 

 

Again, with the chlorinated water; I hear this hair conditioner, "Esperma de Ballena", works wonders! 

 

I suppose that is all I could use at the moment. Of course, I wouldn't be opposed to surprises, such as a pair of Moon Shoes or a trip to the Space Needle.

 

Sincerely,

Tom!

My beloved Katie recently commented:

Tom, Did you get that video I sent you? The one you were in? I never heard from you.

If you didn't get it, let me know and I'll send it again. 

Problem was, I have been spending weeks sitting in the living room, gloating over my "Best YouTube Phenomenon Costume" win.

From YouTube phenomenon party 10/25

So for 12 days, Katie's e-mail went unchecked. Turns out she sent me a horrifying video from the future.

Apparently John McCain is going to win the U.S. Presidential election tomorrow. And to make matters worse, I am going to be blamed for it!

This is just so unfair. I can't even vote because I am not an Earth citizen. Yet I am going to be blamed for John McCain winning and blowing up some guy's goats? WTF? 

IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD?

So, please, do me a favor. If you haven't yet voted, please vote for Barack Obama. Maybe we can change this future. I don't want to be hung in effigy or welcomed into the Bill O'Reilly fanbase. Please, VOTE!

-TOM!

Let's Get Political

I try to be apolitical. It's not that I don't love cuddly former POWs or sexy Hockey Moms, it's that I can't vote in the U.S.A. 

I come from Shimmeron, and am on a work visa. I will likely never be a United States citizen (something about me not even being a native Earthling).

What I am about to share may come as a shock to some. Others know about what I have to share. Nevertheless, it is heartbreaking for me.

A few months ago, I was receiving many e-mails and phone calls from Barack Obama and his cronies. It seems they were doing their VP search, and wanted desperately someone with lots of "Foreign Policy Experience." 

Well, who better to vet than Tom Comet, who has seen more planets than Hugh Hefner naked ladies?

No one.

The campaign even had some prototypes for promotion materials:

Then the Obama camp found something that evades both Scientologists and Evangelicals: the truth.

As previously mentioned, I was not born in the U.S.A. 

David Plouffe called me and said I was out of the running. And just like that, my dreams of stardom and stadiums full of fans were crushed.

Anyway, on to a query I received the other day. I apologize in advice for any bitterness that may come out.

M writes: I'm going to be doing some phone banking for a major political candidate. I don't want to say who, but his name rhymes with Chalk Momma. Anyways I'm a little uncertain about what to expect, how to act or what to say. Can you offer any advice?

Yeah, M, I can. F U.

You're doing a great job at making me feel bad, constantly reminding me that I cannot vote in this election. If you are phone banking for a candidate, you better not call me. Because I will cry. So that is my advice, M. WHILE PHONE BANKING, DO NOT CALL ME! 

P.S. Who is Chalk Mama? I cannot find any information on Wikipedia.

P.P.S. From what I understand, when you make calls on behalf of a political candidate, you may encounter someone who is opposed to everything your candidate stands for. Don't engage in verbal sparring; instead, challenge them to a game of D & D. If you win (which I think you will, as you are seemingly intelligent), your lowly opponent will vote for this Chalk Mama. If you lose, you will have to relinquish your title of Dungeon Master and never phone bank for Chalk again. I hope you've been practicing with your 20-sided die.

How do Shimmeronians entertain themselves?

HELLO MY LOYAL FANBASE!

Did you notice there is snow on Mars? I could have told you that! We Shimmeronians figured that out AGES ago! 

I've received just one inquiry this month. On to it!

Nate asks...

    Hey, Tom! I have a question.

    So here on Earth we have so many conveniences, such as shopping from home while online or, my favorite, on TV. Do you have similar conveniences on Shimmeron? I'm interested to know what kinds of products are available As Seen on TV, or whatever device you use.

    Thanks!

We in Shimmeron have more conveniences and consumer electronics than you could dream! In fact, all of our bodegas and convenience marts sell "lifestyle devices." On Shimmeron, we apply that label to anything that makes life easier, or sexier. We don't have a thing such as the Internet, because our hair contains fiber optics that enables us to pass data back-and-forth to each other via thought. And this whole time you probably thought my hair was made of easter grass!

 To answer your next question, After "surfing the web" I came to the conclusion that much of your As Seen on TV merchandise is crap (with the exceptions of ShamWOW! and Chixen6900). But like I said before, we can purchase a wide array of goods anywhere, so we don't have a use for As Seen on TV. 

I should also mention that the obesity rate on Shimmeron is 0%...

First, an apology

First, let me apologize for my late entry. It's been a while since I posted, and I am sorry for neglecting you.

But I must explain myself... you see, I attended a Zombie social last week and have been fighting a killer hangover ever since. That's right, I've had a hangover for one week. You know, we just don't have alcohol on Shimmeron like they do on Earth!

Want to see some pics? Of course you do!

Visit my Facebook for more!

Michael asks:

So you probably get this a lot, but I'm wondering who would win in a three-legged race between Barack and Michelle Obama and John and Cindy McCain? And do you think that is a good basis for choosing the next president? BTW: How do they choose presidents on Shimmeron?

As always, I look forward to your sage advice.

Well, Michael... this is a tough question. Rumor has it that John McCain cannot lift his arms past his shoulders. So can he even use his arms to propel himself in a three-legged race? The way I picture it, he and Cindy have one leg tied to the other's one leg, and they wave their arms bag and forth to help them move. 

But then again, in 2008 it is possible to have advanced robotics in one's body without anyone knowing. In that case, John and Cindy would beat the tar out of Michelle and Barack. As far as I can tell, Barack's physique is 100% muscle, and no robotics. Michelle looks to be in good physical shape as well, but really, can they compete with a robot? 

As far as choosing Presidents on Shimmeron goes, it can get complicated. Our population is 4 million strong, and anyone is eligible to be president, as long as they have the desire. Every four years, each Shimmeronian who wants to be President gathers at the planet capital, Shimmersburg, and engages in a contest to see who wins. We don't vote for Presidents... we play a cutthroat game of Heads Up, 7-Up.

You may think this crazy, but Shimmeron has never had war, famine or global warming. Maybe the U.S. could learn a thing or two? You should really present the 3-legged race idea to your Congress.

Again, Michael, thanks for your inquiries.

Katie asks:

Thanks for all the advice, Tom! It sounds like going to Shimmeron would be an amazing adventure. I'm going to start looking for jewelry tomorrow.

But maybe I should focus on that inter galactic passport first. Can you provide some advice on how an Earthling can apply for one? 

Well, Katie, provide you have the cashflow, obtaining an Intergalactic Passport shouldn't be a problem. It's not that Intergalactic Passports themselves are expensive... it's that on Earth, they are considered contraband. You can seek passage to Earth using an IP as long as you are of the ET type. Earthlings, for whatever reason, outlawed the issuance of IPs on Earth in 1938, shortly after the War of the Worlds radio prank. 

That being said, you can still travel around the galaxy as long as you have an IP. To get one, I suggest you enlist the aid of an experienced counterfeiter (that is where they get expensive). I have seen some good work done by Earthlings, among them Nate Celnik and Dr. Rey.

That's it for me, folks. Expect a new post next week, again with a bit about US ELECTION 2008! 

-TOM!

 

Just a few more queries...

Hi all!

To my loyal four readers: thank you. It means so much to me! I have never had troubles making friends on Earth, but it seems getting blog readers ain't so easy.

On with the questions!

Katie asks, "I was thinking of taking a vacation to Shimmeron. Could you advise me on the best way to get there and what to do while I'm there? I'll have about seven days."

This is neither here nor there, but Katie wonders about my number one fan, Michael, and why he asks so many questions... She's concerned about his intentions. I certainly don't, as he keeps me busy!

Anyway, on to Shimmeron: First thing I recommend catching a game of Shimmeron Spaceball. Did you know I invented the game? True story. It's much like baseball on Earth, only you use a lightning rod for a bat, and a Shimmeroid for a ball! Seven days is a long time. You seem outdoorsy, so I recommend you hit up the Shimmeron Observatory. You Earthlings think your observatories are so great, because they might have a telescope that can see bits and pieces of other galaxies. Just wait 'til you see our technology! Here is a recommended itinerary:

Day 1: Make sure you start by eating some delicious space dogs, and catch a game of Spaceball (these games last about 7 hours)

Day 2: Go to the observatory, making sure you smell good. You may get lucky under the stars...

Day 3: Catch a 4-D movie. It's like your puny Earth 3-D, but as you guessed, better.

Day 4: Explore the Ruins of Shimmeribia. It's an ancient civilization that somewhat resembles America in the 1950s.

Day 5: Take a spa day, and get some nookie. I recommend you find a spa with a Buffatron bed.

Day 6: Drive the Shimmeron Coastal Highway in a star-powered autoship.

Day 7: Catch another game of Spaceball. What can I say, it's the greatest game ever invented!

You also asked about transportation. Well, Katie, there's really only one way to get to Shimmeron: and that's with a star-powered autoship. Unfortunately, there is only one currently running on Earth... and it's mine. So you will have to find a way to catch a ride with me. Before we go, make sure your Shimmeron Travel kit: star-filled map, Galactic passport, dazzling jewelry, and Dramamine. 

First-time writer Dustin writes in with a very cerebral series of questions: Who are you voting for this November, assuming you have gotten US citizenship? And what do you think of the candidates?

Well, first thing: it was unsafe for Dustin to assume I have US citizenship. The US government doesn't even want to let Mexicans and Canadians in because they might be terrorists. So how do you think they feel about poor Tom Comet here? Not good... I am staying here on a work visa (as you may know, I am a fluffer for Fetus in Fetu Productions).

So, if I were to vote, my vote would go to me! That's correct, I would write myself in. America needs change, and Tom Comet is the man to do it!

As for the US presidential race, I feel a bit of kinship to John McCain: we both have limited mobility of our arms. But that's all we have in common. As for Barack Obama, I think he needs a flashier wardrobe, but I agree with a lot of what he says. 

That's all for now... keep those questions coming!

Q & A Smörgåsbord

Again, reader Michael has some questions for me. He is quite prolific, no?

How does one acquire a "ho hoard" and is it ever appropriate to bring said hoard home to meet your mom?

Well, Michael, not everyone can acquire a "ho hoard." In American culture, for instance, you would be breaking mores by having so many girlfriends. I, on the other hand, hail from Shimmeron, so I am encouraged to have up to 47 girlfriends. However, I restrain myself by having only four; I want to fit in, you know?

And again, it would be against American custom to have a ho hoard, so no, I would not bring one home to meet Mother. It's a bad idea. Now, if you do happen to acquire a ho hoard accidentally, you can bring them to the 24-hour Donut Shop. Just not to Mom.

Next:

Did George Washington really invent cocaine? I have it on good advice that he did (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbRom1Rz8OA), but you never can be sure. 

Well, Michael, as comical as that video was, I wouldn't believe it. Simply put, you can never trust information gleaned from YouTube.

Or -- Is it bad karma to kill a mushroom -- I've heard fairies live in them? 

Well, Michael, this time you have heard right. Fairies do in fact live in mushrooms. However, those of the human race love to eat mushrooms. So what do you do when you spot a delicious truffle in the forest?

To avoid bad karma, you have to get the fairy out of the mushroom. As long as the fairy is out before you kill, you are golden. I recommend fumigation. 

Or -- Do aliens (Shimmeronians particularly, but any alien really) ever date Earthlings? And if so, what turns them on?

I would never date an Earthling. Earthlings are just so darn complicated. See, if you date an Earthling, you will be forced to listen to inane conversation about Obama, gun control, the G-Spot, Earthquakes, etc. BORING!

That being said, aliens are capable of dating Earthlings, and some do. It is rumored E.T. dated many high-profile celebrities between 1985 and 1989. 

Shimmeronians, while we don't "date" Earthlings, do engage in casual sex. Shimmeronian turn-ons include: kosher hot dogs, laser printers, spicy mustard, jeweler's loupes, lamé, loafers, and ankle massages.

This last question is in response to my last blog, about making the World a better place. Michael asks, "So I notice a lot of Earthlings wear flip-flops. Is it OK to wear those instead?" 

Well, a lot of Earthlings wear Crocs, and that's not really OK. So you present some faulty logic here, dear reader.

But flip-flops, yes, they are OK, as long as one has a proper pedicure. Please don't waltz around with gnarly yellow toenails or athlete's foot. Thank you.

-Tom!