Let's Get Political

I try to be apolitical. It's not that I don't love cuddly former POWs or sexy Hockey Moms, it's that I can't vote in the U.S.A. 

I come from Shimmeron, and am on a work visa. I will likely never be a United States citizen (something about me not even being a native Earthling).

What I am about to share may come as a shock to some. Others know about what I have to share. Nevertheless, it is heartbreaking for me.

A few months ago, I was receiving many e-mails and phone calls from Barack Obama and his cronies. It seems they were doing their VP search, and wanted desperately someone with lots of "Foreign Policy Experience." 

Well, who better to vet than Tom Comet, who has seen more planets than Hugh Hefner naked ladies?

No one.

The campaign even had some prototypes for promotion materials:

Then the Obama camp found something that evades both Scientologists and Evangelicals: the truth.

As previously mentioned, I was not born in the U.S.A. 

David Plouffe called me and said I was out of the running. And just like that, my dreams of stardom and stadiums full of fans were crushed.

Anyway, on to a query I received the other day. I apologize in advice for any bitterness that may come out.

M writes: I'm going to be doing some phone banking for a major political candidate. I don't want to say who, but his name rhymes with Chalk Momma. Anyways I'm a little uncertain about what to expect, how to act or what to say. Can you offer any advice?

Yeah, M, I can. F U.

You're doing a great job at making me feel bad, constantly reminding me that I cannot vote in this election. If you are phone banking for a candidate, you better not call me. Because I will cry. So that is my advice, M. WHILE PHONE BANKING, DO NOT CALL ME! 

P.S. Who is Chalk Mama? I cannot find any information on Wikipedia.

P.P.S. From what I understand, when you make calls on behalf of a political candidate, you may encounter someone who is opposed to everything your candidate stands for. Don't engage in verbal sparring; instead, challenge them to a game of D & D. If you win (which I think you will, as you are seemingly intelligent), your lowly opponent will vote for this Chalk Mama. If you lose, you will have to relinquish your title of Dungeon Master and never phone bank for Chalk again. I hope you've been practicing with your 20-sided die.